The Obvious

…continued

Posted in braces, nablopomo by theobvious on November 13, 2009

– Hi, Radio Too Much Information is back from commercial break, and we’re glad to report that the Internet is, actually, sometimes wrong. For example, when it makes generalizations about the sort of pain/discomfort everyone is likely to feel when getting braces removed. Recent studies have shown that each individual procedure feels different to each and every patient. Surprise, surprise. Our field reporter went into a clinic this morning to investigate. Over to you, Ted!

– Yes, thank you, Kevin. My hands-on investigation started off with the doc telling me to remove my glasses because, and I quote, ‘there may be some splashing’. One hell of an introduction, isn’t it? Cut to blood-splattered latex gloves wiggling in front of my eyes, needless to say, I was mortified. However, by the time they got to polishing, there had been no significant pain to report, and I had almost relaxed. Which was a mistake, because, and this is the conclusion of my research, THE POLISHING IS THE BITCH. So to our listeners at home, if you ever have to face this procedure, be prepared to grab the nearest thing and hold on for dear life. Of course, that’s if you’re anything like me, because like Kevin said, it’s different for everyone.

– Thanks Ted. That’s what I call dedication, everyone! I bet Ted is now relaxing at home in his pajamas after a grueling day. By the way, did you know that pajamas were discovered by the British, when they adopted Indian native dress to replace nightgowns? This little tidbit brought to you by the wonderful blog, Ancient Industries. This concludes today’s broadcast. Thank you for being with us, right after the break it’s What My Cat Threw Up on Radio TMI.

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teeth

Posted in braces, nablopomo by theobvious on November 12, 2009

Well, there’s some variety in life after all. Because of the limitations on brushing that come from wearing braces, there has been a bit of trouble with my gums, and the theory is that this is relieved by seeing a hygienist. So today was the day (or rather, night – 7 p.m.) when our scheduled meeting was to take place. Naturally, before that time I had to go to work and then a Danish class. All of these activities were accompanied by a feeling of dread and a knot in my stomach; the prospective sensation of someone taking a jackhammer to my teeth is not one that puts me at ease.

Having gotten a bit closer to broke by paying the cab fare, you know, to be on time, we sat down in the waiting room to the sound of drills or water jets or maybe mating orca whales next door. Of course, I was reading a magazine quite nonchalantly and couldn’t care less about the freaky, terrifying noises. However, the magazine was soon finished, and another one, and soon (not soon actually, half an hour later) we were almost ready to flick open the local equivalent of the Daily Mail, when the hygienist came out and said ‘Hi, I hope you aren’t, like, mad for the delay!’ Another quarter of an hour later I was in, only to learn that she couldn’t clean my teeth with the braces on and my gums swollen, so would I kindly come on Monday (8 p.m.) after my braces have been removed and I have spent a few days rinsing my mouth with Very Expensive Mounthwash TM, conveniently available for purchase at the clinic.

If that wasn’t enough for a foul mood, tomorrow is Braces Removal Day and of course I’ve watched enough YouTube videos and read enough Yahoo!Answers to know that it will hurt like hell, smell like crap, be seventeen kinds of annoying, and take two hours. Not to mention the Ridiculous Amount of Money it will cost and the ruined day between the time they remove them and the time I get my retainers and can be free as a bird. A bird with neatly aligned, freakishly slimy-feeling teeth. Possibly with ugly brown glue marks on them. Perhaps I’ll go to bed right now to bring closer the glorious moment when I get to feel that my teeth are being popped out one by one with giant pliers sans anesthesia. And my behest to my non-existent children will be: NO GOOD comes of reading Internet testimonies when you’re already scared. Shiiiit.

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650 words about teeth

Posted in braces, rant, travel by theobvious on March 17, 2009

This post is supposed to be a reflection of my current condition, which is: overtired, under-healed from a cold, very cranky. Unfortunately, there are no adequate literary means for that in my possession, so if you usually need to read words to yourself quietly (no need to be embarrassed here), use a croaky voice and interject every second sentence with a mighty sniff. Otherwise, feel free to imagine me doing it for you. Now, on to the point.

Some relationships have what we may call a differentiation point. For example, that point in a conversation between two people who have so far been nothing but charmed by each other, when there comes the question of age and the reply is (a couple decades) short of the expected. Or when two people are conversing and one mentions casually that English is not his or her first language. From that point on, nothing is ever the same. The one is plagued by questions (God, did I just compliment her choice of entree? Does that make me a pedophile?? or, Was this a good joke or a bad mistake? How do I correct it and remain PC?) while the other is usually just thinking WHY DID I BLAB THAT! The past relationship is no more.

For me, this point is probably the braces and the reasons behind them. Despite my fairly evident tendency to overshare online, when it comes to real people I would rather their knowledge of the issue were directly proportionate to our closeness. That is, the vast majority of the people I encounter should remain completely ignorant. It is just that when you tell people that you are going through more or less what their grandparents went through just recently, it tends to cast a certain tinge on their further way of relating to you.

With that in mind, imagine my elation at the news that the route of our upcoming teaching trip to Ukraine will include every Jewish guesthouse from the capital onwards. A little insight into our millenia-old culture: a Jewish guesthouse means gender-based rooms of six or more, with shared bathrooms. What you are thinking if you are a healthy, octogenarian-health-issue-less person, is – how the Gehenna will this couple survive a week of separation without that taking a toll on their marriage and eventually leading to painful divorce?? Commendable care for our union which we appreciate, and why did I not think of that? Because all I heard was, shared bathrooms, ringing in my ears like ‘Next!’ at the executioner’s office.

In my view, there are two ways this could go. One, being forced to brush in public, letting people observe my hour-long mutant procedure with the teeth. Okay, who am I kidding, this stage is long past. Still, the sight of braces being brushed, however briefly, is blood-chilling and will certainly reveal more than desirable about me. The other way is to em-brace (oh, hilarious) the situation and avoid brushing my teeth altogether, which would result by the end of the trip in me smelling like the indigenous people of Ukraine – that meant in the best possible way, but having in mind that there are very few possible good ways of meaning that. A bonus option has been generously offered by A.; that is to use him as a bouncer to drive everyone out of the public bathroom and then guard me through my dental hygiene. If ever you wondered what true chivalry was, this is it.

All that said, one might suggest this is blown wildly out of proportion. One might insinuate even that this post is about nothing at all. One might be right, but then one is cordially invited to a) find other things for me to blog about; b) find another way for me to express my worries about everything and nothing, currently aggravated beyond crayzeee with threee eee’s; or c) kindly bugger off.

new intensive fitness plan!

Posted in braces, exercise by theobvious on September 5, 2008

Do you want firm buttocks and definition all over your body? Would you like your friends to whistle when you come into the room? Want glutes like Michael Phelps? It’s your lucky day! Today you get an unbelievable fitness program ABSOLUTELY FREE! What are you waiting for? Look at the next paragraph for the answer to this question: How Do I Get Fit Easily And Quickly?

And the answer is: GET BRACES!!! With our monthly appointment plan you’ll clench and flex every possible muscle so hard like you’ve never done before! Your mouth will be open so wide for so long that your neck won’t have a grain of fat left in it, and your face muscles will be firm without collagen due to the amount of painful grimaces you will make every appointment!

The best thing? The program lasts long enough to make ABSOLUTELY SURE you are good and worked out before you’re done! Says T. Obvious, a long-time member: ‘I was convinced my plan was a month away from expiring, when the doctor said I had another six months to go, no additional charge!!! To quote Christine Lavin, ha ha ha ha ha ha surprise! I was thrilled!’

Apply now to get a chance to win a FREE TRIP to Inquisition Wonderland, all the rides in the Torture Chamber included. Hurry, call now, this may be your only chance to get fit effortlessly! Call 1-800-KILL-ME or 1-800-NO-KIDDING within the next hour and we’ll throw in a pair of silver pincers so you can pull your own nails out while you’re at it!

there’s a kind of hush

Posted in braces, exercise, news, the thrilling goings-on by theobvious on April 8, 2008

I know I ought to be posting more often. But you see, my teeth are hurting me, the weather is beyond disgusting, I am getting tireder and tireder, and honestly, all I could write right now is WHINE WHINE BLOODY WHINE – and would you like that? Would you? Huh?

It’s not like there’s any news to share, either. Today’s workout was latino dancing. Very enjoyable. Yes. Um. Still fat, but having fun. Tomorrow – Philosophy. Missed it. Sunday’s lecture was good enough. That’s, um, it.

I’ve been hovering over a certain rather expensive item all week, and tonight A. gave me the green light (actually, he said something close to ‘Will you go on already?! Buy the damn thing!’), so I ordered it and it should be here on Friday. Which will become a national holiday.

And if that is the way things are going to happen then I will post happies.

things that happened

Posted in braces, i don't know, silly by theobvious on April 3, 2008

So, appointment today, 6 pm. The doc put in two more brackets (on my sevens), for which purpose she only just didn’t pull my face apart. I was lying there laughing my head off, thinking things like ‘Hey, I only got one mouth, woman!’ and ‘Whaddaya think I’m made of, gum?’ – and my bottom lip is still swollen.

And then afterwards I was walking along the river to the gym, and by the riverbank people were jogging, cycling, walking their dogs and their sweethearts, looking at the water, in one case even drinking vodka, and it felt like spring was indeed here – which added some spring to my step, sure enough.

A.’s alarm sings ‘I don’t love anyone’ by Belle and Sebastian. Quite appropriate, isn’t it. Very good for the god-awful time he likes to call morning, when he has to go to work. This song came on when I was on my way home, and it made me so happy, simply because it wasn’t time to get up yet. Whole night ahead.

How was your day?

things of notice

Posted in braces, diy, important, random by theobvious on January 5, 2008

When I’m talking to you and say something that makes you go: ‘Sweet baby [deity of your choice], the poor child is so in love with me! How do I let her down easily?’ or ‘Oh noes, she is in such deep trouble, I need to give her all my money!’ or ‘Ewww, she is so fishing for compliments and it’s so obvious!’ – please remember, I’m not saying any of these things. I just don’t think before I speak. Except for when I say ‘I am waaaay too fat and ugly to eat this.’ In that case I do expect you to tell me I’m the prettiest, slimmest girl you’ve ever seen. Alternatively, ‘Shut up, you moron!’ will also do.

Now that’s out of the way, I’d like to address the person who googled ‘when am i going to diy’ and got to this page. Darling, you made me tear up a little bit. I was all poised and ready with a sermon on how the DIY lifestyle is a smart and easy choice to make, how it’s so much fun and all you need is a bit of determination and a sense of humour, bla bla bla, when I got it. I’m so sorry, but Google is probably not going to help you find the answer. Learning to spell might, but I’m not sure about that either. In any case, I certainly hope you feel good enough to not google it again and will never read this.

And another issue of utmost importance – I think I’m developing very deep, um, nasolabial folds (what’s the human way of saying that?) from keeping my mouth wide open for half an hour every evening, brushing away. This might or might not make me look like a wrinkled old lady. Aaaand now is your cue to tell me good things. Remember, like we just talked about?

this is a title

Posted in braces, link, me myself by theobvious on December 14, 2007

I had a doctor’s appointment today, to tighten my braces. It hurt like hell – the metaphor about having teeth pulled out would be redundant here, but that’s how I felt. I only said ‘ow’ twice. I didn’t want to be a wuss, so I laughed.

And then the doctor said my dental hygiene was ‘less than she expected’, though I’d been spending half my life brushing. And I said ‘Sure, thanks, I’ll try harder,’ and spent $15 on a new toothbrush, toothpaste, and mouthwash.

And then I had a breakdown at the bus stop. I bawled until my eyes and brow hurt from being screwed up. I deplored my ugly face and fat arse, the cold, the darkness, the strictness of the doctor. I scared A. half to death. It was pitiful.

And then we came home. I had some tea, brushed my teeth thoroughly, watched the Simpsons, listened to A. sing, took pictures of my pathetic self, and read this post by Dooce. You gotta admire her. She’s got contagious bravery.

P.S. Received a lovely email from Yee-haw’s very sweet engineer, could almost believe it wasn’t pre-written, but the instructions didn’t help. Still pondering my next step.

this ‘talking’ – how do we do that again?

Posted in braces by theobvious on November 24, 2007

A close friend once may have called me ‘deadface’. Or maybe I’m dramatizing. At any rate, what he said was that I had no facial expressions. Well, now I don’t.

I never knew I moved my face so much. Turns out, when I’m nervous or thinking hard, I suck my lower lip in. That is, I used to. Now I can’t – there are sharp metal objects in my mouth preventing me from doing that.

When I was uncomfortable, or wanted to show some humour in an unpleasant situation, I would do this lopsided smile thing. Like a smirk, using only one half of my face. Now when I try to do that, my cheek gets poked.

If something sounded ridiculously unlikely to me, or I was just seriously doubting something, I would pull an indescribable face which involved lip pursing and eyebrow lifting. Well, I can still do the eyebrow.

It appears my face is an important communicational instrument. Even if I look weird when I grimace like that, I still need to do it. Now, with these two painful protrusions where my lips used to be, I’m constricted.

I don’t think any of you know this, but I don’t really like talking. I’m only verbose when I’m uncomfortable or shy. Otherwise I try to keep it to myself. Now that I don’t have my face to help me convey certain messages, I need to talk more.

Need to get to work getting rid of that lisp.

bratheth

Posted in braces by theobvious on November 21, 2007

It hath been done. I am in pain and need to thleep. Thee you tomorrow. Will potht properly then.

festive lights on sale right now

Posted in braces, funny by theobvious on November 20, 2007

So I got home, sat down, and got all poised to rant about my consult with the surgeon today, which determined the need for an investment of roughly $8000. I was also intending to complain about my braces, which come on tomorrow, and the way I keep getting more assignments and less work done.

Then I thought that I don’t want this blog to be a whine-fest. (A wine fest would be appropriate at this time, but we don’t seem to have any.) If I want it to be more fun than Finslippy‘s, bitching won’t do the trick. Jokes are better. Here’s an old one you all know:

A hunter is walking in the woods, and he sees a bear den. He knocks on the door and a baby bear comes out. ‘Hi,’ says the hunter, ‘Is your mommy home?’ ‘No,’ the cub answers. ‘Is daddy home then?’ ‘No.’ ‘Gotcha,’ says the hunter and points his gun at him. ‘GRAAANDMAAAAAAA!’ yells the cub.

Here’s my message, kids: there’s always a Grandma. She’s got claws and a knitting bag, and she is out to get you. Always check your back.

In other news today: spam has become multicultural. I have a Christmas message (Personalized Letters From Santa!) and a Chanukah message sitting in my Bulk Mail folder right now. I’m expecting some Kwanzaa-themed correspondence any minute now.

all hail the tooth-monster

Posted in braces, news by theobvious on November 3, 2007

When I finished yesterday’s post with that elegant segue to braces, I was alluding to the fact that I, indeed, am getting them. Here’s what I think about it:

CRAP! CRAPPY FUCKING CRAP! Also – CRAAAAAP!!! Everyone’s gonna STARE at me, mommy! How do you not realize I CAN’T DO THIS?! Don’t wanna, don’t wanna, don’t waaannaaaaa!!!

On a slightly more civilized note, I am not thrilled. I do realize that this is necessary and unavoidable. I don’t fully realize it’s going to happen yet. They say it’s extremely painful. They also say you walk around looking like a freak for many months.

Yes, that’s what I meant the other day when I said I’m finally getting something taken care of. Yes, I remember being happy and proud when I agreed to it. Yes, I admit to weeping unattractively in a public space (namely, bus stop). No, I don’t want to talk about it.

I’m only writing about this for two reasons: a) I need to adjust to the idea, and b) everyone’s going to know anyway when they come on.