The Obvious

this girl is on fire

Posted in life by theobvious on August 4, 2015

We are living through apocalyptic times. No, I am not exaggerating. The fires and boiling lava of the Gehenna have risen to swallow up the Holy City of Jerusalem. Next thing to be expected, synoptically, is for fire to rain from the skies. Perhaps we are Gomorrah 2.0. There is plenty of evidence that would support that theory.

We are mired in most of the deadly sins: greed (the prices on fans are through the roof), wrath (in this heat, you hate anyone who gets close to you), envy (just think how nice it must be for those bastards in Iceland this time of the year), and sloth (sweating through the few garments that we are forced by common decency to wear). There is little to no gluttony and lust though, because the thought of eating or being lustful in this heat causes light nausea.

For some time now, getting into the car has been a ritual where the brave driver dives inside to open all doors and start the AC, and then launches himself out again to avoid full body burns from the pure dragon’s-breath heat spewing from the vents for the first several minutes. We thought the car’s thermometer was broken when it started reporting temperatures approaching and passing 40 degrees Celsius, but alas, it is functioning well and true to the appalling reality. The fact that we feel like we are right inside the engine of a spaceship launching from the planet supports the figures on the cruel little screen.

Last night, I went jogging. Why not, I thought, it is dark outside and the heat must have subsided, right? 100 percent correct. It had subsided by almost a dozen degrees, reaching a meager 32. If I were a deranged eco-fiend, I would have brought a (recyclable, biodegradable cardboard) bucket with me to collect my own sweat, and it would have been enough for a post-run shower followed by the most disgusting cup of tea ever. As it was, I was forced to use up about a quarter of the Earth’s remaining water supply to cool off after the nightmare that is healthy exercise in this weather.

The unprecedented heatwave is driving everyone crazy. Did I say crazy? I meant insane, clinically brain-dead, totally, fully, completely batshit. Who said ‘exaggeration’ again? No, this here is scientific truth. The little Facebook groups meant for people to trade their little belongings and share valuable advice on where to buy the best lightbulbs in the city have spontaneously transformed into Hyde-parkish arenas of free speech, producing such pearls as “Speaking of extremism, how about our Mayor! You call these streets clean!? I call this a disgrace!” I call bullshit, but who ever asked me.

In short, if you haven’t gathered so yet, it is somewhat warmish in our corner of the woods, and every aspect of life is boiling. If you are a true friend, send help: a ton of Ben&Jerry’s, a ticket to Iceland, or perhaps one of those ridiculous Japanese air-conditioned jackets which look as though someone took a bicycle pump to your torso but are rumored to actually work against heat. Frankly, I no longer fear ridicule when faced with the very real possibility of my body melting like the Wicked Witch of the Mediterranean.

P.S. How funny is it that the last post on here was about the cold? Ah, cold, how unappreciated you were in your time.


2 Responses

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  1. lara said, on August 4, 2015 at 10:14 am

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