post about my life to scroll past quickly
Most people know that I am sort of hyperactive when it comes to work; I tend to have multiple projects going on and enjoy it. I am normally very quick in completing assignments and good at managing myself in terms of deadlines and spreading my workload to have a healthy and varied flow that includes different activities and leaves time over for general life-living.
However, once in a while there will be periods (lasting days or weeks or even months) when I am unable to do anything. Throughout the day, I’ll just stare at the computer, intermittently falling asleep, or read if I’m lucky (not always an option for oftentimes the ability to concentrate on any written text longer than two pages is the first to go), or cry and berate myself for not focusing. I do exercise, because it’s become a reflex, and because my guilt complex also known as my self-denigration drive is stronger than a hurricane. Other than that, nothing: no learning, no socializing, no practicing music, no work, no work, no work. Being pathetic and needy is very high on my list of behaviors to avoid, yet it becomes prevalent when I turn to my loved ones begging them to find me a solution which I know doesn’t exist. Explaining to anyone who will listen what a lowlife I have become, how worthless, useless, brainless and etc.-less, is another tendency of which I am both guilty and less than proud.
How fitting then, that such a period should come on just when I started an exciting new job that demands, among other things, high levels of concentration and self-discipline working at home. There is a fair amount of hours that need to be clocked in, and punching in to stare blankly at the screen or the ceiling hardly seems like something the people responsible for bringing me up would approve of. Apparently, I fail even at being a proper layabout, one that wouldn’t hesitate to press that green button and feel that as long as rent is taken care of, producing zero results is a minor concern.
Rent, incidentally, is one of the reasons I can’t just submit to this wave of dullness and wait for it to subside, as it usually, eventually, to some degree at least, does. There is nothing to fall back on. My reputation and my enormous Egyptian pyramid of Maslowian needs rely solely on my own performance as a human being. No longer a kid or a married woman, I live alone and have to deal with these attacks alone. And it must be said that there’s very little fun in this shit.